DEPENDABILITY
One day a wonderful plan
he had dreamed up
disintegrated in a matter of moments,
but still his breath
kept coming in and going out.
Another time, a tragedy took place
in his house, but his breath
didn’t break its rhythm.
Rain fell for fourteen days
one summer, but
it didn’t bother his breath.
His hopes have been burned
to cinders occasionally,
and the love of his life
lost color and passed away,
but his brave breath
didn’t notice,
never stopped being of service.
WANTS
He had thousands of wants
sitting on his shoulders.
One day he decided
to lighten the load,
so he wrote some wants on pieces of paper
and put them in rivers
to roll away to the sea.
Then he threw some wants
into the sky to see them soar
and slowly disappear like suffering.
Some wants were taken to a mountain
where they wandered away
like wintertime,
and others simply stopped breathing
and slipped easily off his shoulders.
Day 159, Thursday, May 29, 2008
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I had what I hope was a reassuring talk with Mimi after class today. She had done poorly on the exam, but during class today she made, as she often does, some dazzling comments about the literature we’ve been studying. For her, the poems and books we’ve read this year go right to the heart. She doesn’t mess around with the surface of books; she dives deep into the words on the page and finds the connections to her own life. She did that quite beautifully several times today, and after class, I talked with her for a few moments. I told her that, yes, she had done poorly on the exam, but, on the other hand, she had performed brilliantly in class today, as she often has throughout the year. I told her that there are many important talents that no exam can reveal, and her talent for finding personally relevant truths in literature is one of them. I said that, for me, the talents she reveals day after day in class discussions are actually far more important than those tested on an exam.
I hope she believed me.
DEPENDABILITY
he had dreamed up
disintegrated in a matter of moments,
but still his breath
kept coming in and going out.
Another time, a tragedy took place
in his house, but his breath
didn’t break its rhythm.
Rain fell for fourteen days
one summer, but
it didn’t bother his breath.
His hopes have been burned
to cinders occasionally,
and the love of his life
lost color and passed away,
but his brave breath
didn’t notice,
never stopped being of service.
WATCHING THE TRAIN
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Today I would like to watch the “train of thoughts” pass by. It’s true that thoughts will be passing through all day, much like an endless freight train, and what I want to do is stand by the tracks, or perhaps on a hill above the tracks, and simply observe the cars as they pass. Like watching a train back in
ONE YEAR WITH AN ENGLISH TEACHER
Day 158, Wednesday, May 28, 2008
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Today my students performed the annual and very important ritual of looking back through their “essay binders”. Over this year they have written approximately one formal paper every week, and each of these was placed in their binders as the weeks passed. Today the kids looked through their accumulation of essays – their “body of work”, you might say – and I can’t help but believe it was a rewarding experience for them. First of all, they were able to appreciate the sheer amount of writing they did during the year. Flipping back through essay after essay after essay must have made them feel proud of how much formal writing they had produced. I think they also grew to understand the good quality of much of the writing. I asked them to select the assignment they thought was the most interesting to write, the one they found hardest, and the one that gave them the greatest feeling of accomplishment. The ensuing discussion was fascinating – and very satisfying for all of us. The kids felt good about what they had produced – the bountiful “yield” of their writing crop for the school year – and I felt pleased that they obviously considered themselves fairly proficient high school writers, as they should.
SHOWING ITS STUFF
May 28, 2008
“Do you have an arm like me? Can you shout in thunder the way I can? Go ahead, show your stuff.”
--Job 40:9 (in The Message)
This is an important quote for me, because I am always trying to “show my stuff”. I’m always trying to prove something about my “self” – that I can do whatever it takes to bring happiness to life. Just this morning, I’ve already been trying to demonstrate how organized and earnest I am: making my plans for the day, getting my lunch ready, laying out my clothes. (Notice all the “my’s”.) In the above passage, God, the infinite Universe, is poking a little fun at this kind of “me first and last” attitude – the attitude that says “I” am front and center in the entire Universe, that nothing will get done unless I do it. I can imagine the Universe continuing with the questions: “Can you organize the way I can? Can you teach the way I can? Can you keep your heart beating the way I can? Can you create happiness and beauty the way I can? The answers are so obvious as to make the questions seem silly. The Universe (God, Allah, the Tao, etc.)
ONE YEAR WITH AN ENGLISH TEACHER
Day 157, Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Yesterday I went over to school to make up the final exam for the 8th grade, and after doing a few questions, I started listening to Beethoven’s 7th symphony. Before a few minutes had passed, I was really getting into both the exam and the music. I was creating stimulating and out-of-the-ordinary questions, and the symphony music seemed to be making the whole room shake. Soon I turned the volume up even louder. The more passionate the violins became, the more fiery my questions grew. The spirit of Beethoven was conducting the music, and I was, I felt, “conducting” a brilliant exam. I sailed through question after question as the symphony rose to one peak after another. When I finished question number 59, and the music, a few moments later, came to a breathtaking end, I sat back and took some deep breaths, the exam arranged before me on the computer screen. It was a fine exam, but strangely, the words almost seemed limp, as though exhausted from the spectacular performance.
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I had a remarkable 8th grade class this morning. I’m not sure I can recall a more stimulating or rewarding one. We read over, one more time, the four poems the students are writing their last, long essay about (due Friday), and the discussion about these poems was extraordinary. (At one point, I told the students their comments sounded, truthfully, like those you might hear in a college class.) Just a few things I recall:
n
n Looking to my left and seeing four girls absolutely riveted on me as I was talking about one of the poems;
n Ava making many insightful comments, including one about the importance of sometimes breaking away from your friends and just being alone to listen to your own voice;
n Emma, in response to a question about whether one of the poems expressed a theme of selfishness, saying that the people who are truly selfish are the ones who constantly demand our attention.
At the end of the class, I paused, made sure they were all looking at me, and then told them I felt very grateful to have been part of such a wonderful class. And I truly was.
A TIE FOR EVERY OCCASION
He has a tie
that is correct for a concert
in the park, and another
for an informal gathering at a friend’s.
He has a bow tie with bachelor buttons
in white stripes,
perfect for finding friendship
under an affable moon.
He wears a different tie
for following his heart
than he does for uncovering
the ideas his students conceal
in English class.
Yesterday he wore a silver tie
while sipping coffee in a cafe,
this morning a navy one
while a new day
was knocking on his door.
DIARY
On the tenth he met
a marvelous wind
wandering through the park.
On the eleventh,
everything he thought was key
came crashing down.
On the twelfth he fought
to pick up the pieces,
but on the thirteenth
he threw them into the sky,
where the same wind
whipped them away.
On the fourteenth
he forgot who he was,
which was fortunate,
for that’s how he found himself
free in the park
with the friendly wind
walking by his side.
IS THE UNIVERSE TIRED?
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I woke up this morning feeling groggy and tired, but then it occurred to me that the Universe surely never feels that way – and I am part of the universe. If I looked out at the ocean waves on a choppy day and saw what appeared to be a separate wave that, for a split second, was smaller than the others, would I say that wave was “groggy”? If I saw that the wind was blowing very strongly at one end of the park but only a soft breeze was blowing where I was standing, would that mean the soft breeze was “tired”? If I was standing beside a river and noticed that the current moved more slowly near some debris, would I say that the water in that part of the river was “groggy and tired”? The Universe is an immense creation, and every part of it has a job to do at any particular moment – a job that blends in beautifully with the infinite number of other jobs. No action of the universe is “good” or “bad”, “energized” or “tired”. It just is. When I awoke this morning, I put a label on the situation, an old habit of mine. I called it “tired” when I should have just called it “not wanting to get out of bed”. Some breezes blow softly, and some people don’t jump out of bed in the morning. It’s not bad or good. It’s just the way the Universe works.
ONE TEACHER’S ALPHABET
I is for Invisible
As the years have passed, I have almost completely changed my beliefs about the role of a teacher. For example, in my early decades in the classroom, I thought my major task was to be the front-and-center leader of my students – to be a strong and noticeable presence for them, someone whom they could focus upon, emulate, and follow. I thought my job, above all, was to be visible to my students. Now, though, I have a very different idea. Now I hope to become more and more invisible to my students as the weeks of the school year pass. I see more clearly than ever that truly good teaching is never about the teacher, but always and only about the mysterious and wondrous subject matter being studied. The subject matter should be front and center, the teacher back and off to the side. The study of ideas and words (which is what English class is all about) is a mystifying and infinite enterprise, and no individual “teacher” should stand in the way of it. Ideas and words shine a great light, and a teacher who is a large and visible presence in the classroom only gets in the way of that light. Hippocrates told doctors their primary duty was “to do no harm”, and I increasingly feel that way about teaching. Learning is a mighty force that is continually happening in my students’ lives, and one of my primary responsibilities as a teacher is to stand out of the way and allow that force to do its work. The more invisible I become in the classroom, the more the natural power of wisdom – exemplified, in English class, by great literature and passionate student writing -- can carry on with its eternal mission. I can offer quiet encouragement and humble assistance to my students now and then, but words and ideas, not an individual person called a teacher, must be the constant center of our attention.
ONE YEAR WITH AN ENGLISH TEACHER
Day 154, Wednesday, May 21
During silent reading today I noticed Janie bending close to Marysa to show her a passage in her book. Janie’s finger traced the sentences as Marysa read, and then they whispered and giggled for a moment. It was a touching moment about the friendly power of books.
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A thought:
After noticing our librarian sitting with her library volunteers at their annual celebratory luncheon, I started wondering if I could organize a volunteer staff for English class. (Stay with me. This might not be as loony as it sounds.) Perhaps parents could sign up for a day of the week (or a half-day), and on that day they would be my “aide” or “assistant teacher”. The volunteers could serve many functions: video recorder, note-taker, observer or moderator of small group discussions, and – perhaps most helpful – provider of feedback. Each day at lunch (or after school) the parent volunteer and I could chat about what we noticed, what went right and wrong, and how things could be improved tomorrow. I am starved for that kind of intelligent discussion about teaching, and I think this interaction with parents would be very helpful to me. The fact is that all our parents have vast experience in the classroom as students, and consequently have surely developed many ideas about what works in teaching and what doesn’t. I would love to talk with the volunteers informally about what they noticed in my classroom, and about any suggestions they might have. Hmmm…this is an idea worth pursuing.
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This morning, I started to feel some of the disappointment and frustration that any teacher occasionally feels during class, but this time it didn’t bother me at all. I simply observed the frustration as it came on, accepted that it was here, and then calmly watched it pass by. Instead of resisting it, I guess you could say I opened to it, and thereby rendered it powerless. The frustration was as incapable of disturbing me as a breeze or a bird floating past my classroom windows.
A tiny fly floated down
to his poem this morning.
He had made six lines of words,
and now this fly had found
a single word to settle on.
It was a noun,
nothing special,
just a soft single-syllable word,
but it gave the fly
a place to land and let
its muscles rest
in the midst of its excursion,
just like his poem
was doing.
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Today we had the performances of the annual Spring Arts Program, and once again I noticed how keyed up the students were all day long. Their minds were active and alert during my classes, mostly, I’m sure, because they were energized by thoughts of the up-coming performances. There was a sense of exhilaration during English class that I don’t often see. A few questions for myself: How can I bring this kind of animation and high spirit to my classes on a regular basis? Should I develop more ways of having “performances” that the kids can anticipate with excitement? Or is the kind of energy I saw yesterday simply impossible to replicate on a daily basis? Is it something I can expect to see in my students only occasionally?
MORNING SHINE
The streets in his town
seem as shiny as ribbons
each morning, and the sidewalks
beside the stores are silvery.
There’s a shimmer on the windows
of his car as he drives to work
each morning, and the miracle
of elegance seems to be present
on the porches of all the houses.
His desk at school shines
as he sits down for the first time
and takes up a glossy pencil.
Far off, the mountains
are polished by something,
as are all the rivers and seas,
the planets and scattering stars.
LOOKING FOR WONDROUS THINGS
Thursday, May 22, 2008
“For thou art great, and doest wondrous things.”
--Psalm 86:10
In a way, the passage above is not all that surprising. We know that amazing events do happen now and then – events that are so remarkable as to elicit disbelief. Fabulous things occasionally occur – a winning lottery ticket, an unbelievable sunset, a marvelous phone call from an old friend. Every so often the unbelievable enters our lives like an explosion of goodness. However, what I want to think about today is the truth that the above passage implies – that wondrous things are happening all the time. The psalmist is suggesting that the miraculous and the astonishing are woven into the very cloth of life. The Universe (the power the psalmist calls “thou”) is magnificent and does stupendous things every second All things are astounding. Each moment is a new birth that should bring amazement and bewilderment to my heart. I should walk around in a daze of incredulity.
WHAT GOVERNS?
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Today I want to keep in mind the truth about “government”. The policies that I will put into practice today are not made by a separate ego called “Ham”, but rather by the infinite Universe (a term I use interchangeably with “God”). The Universe is the ruler, monarch, sovereign, and head of state. Like the governor on a car, God will control the speed and magnitude of my life today; it will regulate everything so all runs smoothly and efficiently. The Universe will control my behavior, and will restrain me when I need restraining. In each moment, it will exercise a deciding and determining influence on me.
So what is there for “me” to worry about? I live under the government of a perfectly benevolent monarch. The measureless Universe is in its heaven (harmony), and all’s right with the world.
ONE YEAR WITH AN ENGLISH TEACHER
Day 153, Tuesday, May 20, 2008
A NEW WINDOW
One day
he found a new window
in his apartment.
It opened in a peaceful manner,
and strangely,
it made his folded life
feel like it was opening also.
The look of trees
became unbelievable,
the streets seemed bold,
the car across the street
sparkled like it came
from a blessed land.
He saw things
he’d never seen before –
the vividness of smiles,
the softness of hearts.
He wondered about other
undiscovered windows.
WHAT DID JACOB SEE?
“I have seen God face to face.”
-- Genesis 32:30
After wrestling with an “angel” (new ideas about reality) for an entire night, something amazing happened to the Biblical patriarch Jacob. One translation says he saw God “face to face”, which I take to mean he saw an entirely new way of understanding life. Principally, he saw that life is boundless, not limited. He saw that life is thought, not things; that life is impersonal, not personal; that life depends on the infinite, unplumbed universe, not on any microscopic “me”; and that therefore life is a harmonious dance, not a discordant struggle. This startling new vision caused Jacob to feel like a totally new-born person, so much so that he felt compelled to take a new name.
Hopefully I can keep this vision before me all day today. I don’t need a new name, but this new way of seeing reality would make for a day filled with miracles. I could see God -- the astounding truth of life -- face to face each and every moment.
ONE YEAR WITH AN ENGLISH TEACHER
Day 152, Monday, May 19, 2008
WHAT HE CAN DO TO HELP
In the face of the disastrous news
on the morning show,
what he can do
is place the lid on the pot
in as precise a way as possible.
He can set the burner
so it becomes bright.
He can walk across the carpet
with contentment
and carefully find a shirt
and a complementary tie
in the closet. He can
pause and listen to the birds
preparing for their day.
He can marvel at the miracle
of fingers bending beautifully
to tie the tie.
TRUSTING NOW
Monday, May 19, 2008
Today I want to place all of my trust in God – in the everlasting and supreme Present Moment. I want to have complete confidence that each moment has exactly what is needed and is doing precisely the correct thing. I want to depend on the Present Moment to supply all my needs. It’s important that I expect with absolute assurance that each moment of the day will be utterly full of the most complete kind of power. I need to say to each moment, “I have total trust in you. I give myself to your care.”
ENDLESS SUPPLY
Sunday, May 18, 2008
I spend a great amount of time worrying about how my needs are going to be supplied, but the truth is that there’s an endless supply of all true necessities. In any situation I can imagine, what I really need is helpful ideas. My thoughts control my reality. What I think is what life becomes for me, and therefore commanding, constructive, and healing thoughts are the essential requirement in any circumstance. What’s wonderful about this is that there is no end to curative thoughts. Good ideas flow from a hidden and unending source; they are always as available as a spring of continuously flowing water. It’s utterly impossible to exhaust the stockpile of supportive ideas. Wherever I turn, there they are, just waiting to help. It’s never-ending money in a spiritual bank, and it makes me (and all of us) richer than the wealthiest person in the world.
ONE YEAR WITH AN ENGLISH TEACHER
Day 151, Friday, May 16
This morning, Bill was participating with his collaboration group in a thoughtful discussion, when he suddenly stood up, went behind the cabinet, and put a large puppet on his hand. I caught his eye and shook my head, and he immediately put the puppet down and said, “Uh, I don’t even know why I did that.” It was a good example of the thoughtlessness that operates in all of our lives now and then, but it was also an example of a young person’s ability to understand what had happened – to see that what he had just done was a mindless act. It was a wonderful insight on Bill’s part. For a moment he was able to step back and see himself as he truly was, something adults often spend decades learning how to do.
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I was impressed as I watched Sam, Bill, Tommy, and Jeff’s group editing their long collaborative essay. They had made copies of the essay for each person, and they sat quietly for perhaps 20 minutes -- reading, correcting, and discussing the paragraphs. They were as intensely involved as any adult committee would be. They discussed their work like a group of serious business people. Any passer-by would have thought, “There is a group of earnest students.”
NO DEFEAT EVER
Saturday, May 17, 2008
“Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory.”
-- 1 Corinthians 15:57
I’ve often seen the world as a place of endless competition inevitably ending in either victories or defeats, but when I’m thinking clearly, I know that only victory is possible. In order to have winners and losers, there must be division and separation – individual “teams” fighting it out – but in this universe, as I’m understanding better and better, there is only oneness. It’s a universe, not a mulitverse, and the entire universe itself always wins. It’s literally true that all things work together for good, for victory. Each moment of existence – mine or anything else’s – is a complete triumph for everything. The universe, of which I am a part, deserves a trophy every single second.
SITTING
He’s seen kids sitting on stones
when the sun was sitting on rooftops.
He’s seen a woman waving
as she sat on the beach
on a day that was
sitting beside her like a friend.
He’s seen a car sitting patiently
at the curb while a whole city
sat silently around it
at three-seventeen a.m.
He’s seen stones sitting
in peace in a world of war,
grass sitting on the restful soil,
the soil sitting with its families
on the suspended and soothing earth.
ONE YEAR WITH AN ENGLISH TEACHER
Day 150, Thursday, May 15
It occurred to me today that I might need to restrain, at least somewhat, my tendency to try to “improve” my English classes each year. I might need to practice a little more patience, develop a bit more “staying power”. I may want to control my sometimes obsessive tendency to rush in with small and large changes each year, and just be content with allowing my curriculum to evolve in a more natural and gradual manner. I started thinking about this, surprisingly, after reading Jane Austen’s
INTO THE OPEN
Friday, May 16, 2008
“God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life.”
-- Romans 8:6, The Message
It became clear to me this morning that there are really only two ways of viewing life – as spacious or cramped. Reality is either a wide-open, boundless festival or a narrow, restricted prison. I’m either part of a limitless miracle or a tight and chaotic struggle. Unfortunately, I have spent a good part of my life believing in the latter. Life, for me, has been fairly “small”. I’ve often seen myself as a hugely insignificant and vulnerable mortal who’s forced to make a constant effort simply to survive from day to day. I’ve played out my days imagining myself on a very small stage surrounded by rigid boundaries. This morning, though, I’ve been able to see more clearly the other, entirely different, viewpoint. This view sees life as a being absolutely unlimited – without boundaries of any sort. In this view, the stage of life is unimaginably vaster than even the realms of the stars. There are no beginnings anywhere, and no endings. Nothing is separated from anything else, because there are no boundary lines. Every so-called “thing” and every experience blends into every other one to make a seamless, measureless whole. From this expansive viewpoint, nothing is more important than anything else, and no supposedly “individual” experience is more important than the overall, boundless whole. Each seemingly separate and crucial event is merely a wave in an infinite ocean. Perhaps I can look at life today from this thoroughly freeing perspective. Perhaps I can remind myself that the stage on which the universe (and I) play out the cosmic drama is larger than the distance between the farthest stars. It might help me to relax and enjoy the show.
WAITING PASSIONATELY
May 15, 2008
“Wait passionately for God.”
--Psalm 37:34, The Message
I would like to become an expert at “waiting”. I don’t mean the kind of waiting that involves being dissatisfied with the present and yearning for something better in the future. Quite the opposite. I want to be the kind of “waiter” who is perfectly content to stay exactly in the present -- to hang around to see what happens, to peacefully pass the time as life unfolds. I want to wait in the sense of being constantly in readiness for whatever the Universe has prepared. Like a good waiter, I want to “wait upon” the Universe (instead of little “me”) -- to serve its “needs”, to be in attendance on it. I want to “wait on” the present moment the way I might pay a visit to a very special person. And I want to do all this passionately. I want to wait with fervor for the next great miracle, which will unfold in the very next moment. Waiting should be my passion. Instead of always doing, dashing, starting out, sallying forth, proceeding, and advancing, I need to wait. If someone asks me what I do, I can say, “I wait.”
Day 149, Wednesday, May 14, 2008
A PIECE OF PAPER
He wonders what
a crumpled piece of paper
in a wastebasket
does all night.
Does it simply sit there
as the stars shed their inspiration
across the earth? Does it feel
the unfurling of the night
as the hours pass? Does it sense
that astonishing things are occurring
in countless places, that rivers
are rambling in lighthearted ways,
that streets are sleeping
after long hours with tires?
Does the crumpled paper
pretend to be someone’s
crumpled heart,
someone sitting in silence
as the stars pass
in procession overhead?
AN UNIMAGINABLE POWER
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
“Have we not all one Father?”
--Malachi 2:10
This morning I was struck, again, by this forceful thought: the power of each present moment is infinite. I’m not sure why that thought, which I have often pondered, felt so overpowering this morning, but it definitely did. As I stood in the bathroom shaving, I felt like I was part of an immeasurable force, one that has been exerting its steady and irresistible power for untold eons. It’s a power that seems to exist in time, over zillions of year, but actually it exists only in the present moment – right now. Absolutely all of this inestimable power – the “Father” that Malachi speaks of -- is present in each split second of life. It’s an astonishing truth to consider, one that makes shaving at 6:04 a.m. an especially notable experience.
Day 148, Tuesday, May 13
Today I came to school with a lighter heart than usual, mostly because I knew the entire day was already thoroughly planned. Recently I have been doing my planning early in the morning before school, but I’ve grown discontented with that procedure, so I decided to switch back to designing all my classes the afternoon and evening before. Yesterday afternoon, in my empty classroom, I looked over the lessons of that day, thought about what went right and wrong, and slowly put together the lessons for today. It was a calming and fulfilling process. After the usual triumphs and dissatisfactions of a long school day, it was comforting to quietly build a promising lesson plan for a new day. When I left my classroom, I felt that all was in order for a realistic likelihood of at least modest success today.
This likelihood became even stronger when I put on my iPod headphones this morning and listened to a Beethoven cello sonata. It was still only 6:30 a.m., and the school building and grounds were deserted except for the birds going about their early spring duties, so I felt pleasantly alone as I did a few chores in the classroom while listening to the music. I can’t think of a better way to “warm up” for a fine day of teaching than to enjoy some Beethoven chamber music.
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The students have been reviewing for the exam by making up exam questions each night, and it’s working quite efficiently. Each day they turn in their five or six questions, and then I use the questions to give oral quizzes to the students. It’s proving to be an excellent and almost enjoyable way of reviewing. Once again, after decades of teaching, a new idea has come to me and proven successful, and I can only wonder what took it so long to get here.
