SEARCHING FOR ME

  Unfortunately, I have spent a large part of my 72 years trying to be either defensive or aggressive – trying, that is, either to protect the so-called separate self called “me”, or to launch out from that self in an active, creative way. To tell the truth, it’s been an exhausting struggle. I’ve felt constantly on the alert, constantly standing by to either shield this person called “Ham” or use it as a base from which to make things happen. Almost 24/7, I’ve been either a defender or an aggressor. Thankfully, however, things have been changing for me. A type of mist has been slowly dissolving.  Amazingly, hard as it is to believe, it’s gradually becoming clear that this apparently separate being called “me” actually doesn’t exist. This “person” I’ve devoted so many years to defending and empowering -- this seemingly separate, easily damaged being -- is actually no more than a passing thought. Whenever I search for what I call “me”, all I can find is another thought. It might be a thought that I’m vulnerable and need protection, or that I’m strong and can aggressively make a mark in the world, but in either case, it’s simply a thought, NOT a separate physical person. The strange, startling, and thoroughly inspiring truth seems to be that my only existence is as a fresh, free-wheeling thought in the always-new present moment. There’s really no separate “Hamilton Salsich” who needs protection or who needs to feel responsible for getting a thousand things done each day. There’s just the endless and shoreless river of thoughts, of which I and all of us are a part. This understanding is slowly helping me see that I can, in fact, give up being either defensive or aggressive – that I can finally loosen up, let go, and simply take pleasure in whatever happens in this capricious and always surprising world.